post 13… oh crap May 11, 2009

ok so i havent posted lately

i havent done too much writing lately at all

i dunno… i am working on my relationship with God

im so confused.. i know what i want kinda… but i dont know how to get it

im scared i suppose

but the thing i want most seems so unlogical

i hate thinking that way

and if i could have it my way…well the things i would do dont even exhist in this world

40 feet in the wrong direction 40 years too late…

 

some songs i cant even listen to anymore cause  they remind me of what i cant do… cant… i hate that word too

 

i want the road… i want experience… i want to do everything!

but all i do is sit here and wait for it… i dont want to be that

im working on changing that… Joe keeps trying to help and i feel like im holding him back as well

i hate money with a burning passion

i want love, escape, a life no one else is prepared to live.. not even me

 i love my family i really do

but being in this house just seems to make me want to dwell in the comfort and not move forward

i guess cause i know once i lose this i cant have it back

i can always come back but it will never be the same

im planning on getting a job on a cruise ship and working there in the fall or whenever i can get a job on one

but i hate planning… its not the cruise ship i want though

it would be fun

but a boat… yes.. living on the ocean.. yes!

i just want to write and play and sing and perform

and be free… i want to be out in this world but is it any better than here?

i dont know… maybe thats why im scared

 

i cant seem to write… when i want to i cant seem to speak either

i dont know how to do what i want to do or get where i want to get to

 

i dont know what else to say… i want to be somewhere else and sometimes its paralysing how confused i am

 

im so depressed

i just want escape… from all of this reality

post number 12 March 12, 2009

well

i wanna do it my way

i refuse to live this life the way it seems is the only way

and im tellin you now and ill probably tell you again

i am gonna own this world

 

watch me shine daddy

your the one that taught me

and as the trains giant whistle is heard in the background

im tellin ya now im gonna be on it

im tellin ya now i love you

and im sayin that time spent was not wasted

but as the sound disappears into the deadly silent night

im standin in that side car

remembering everything you told me

this isnt the end its not even the middle

the begining was back when you said you werent givin up that easy

 

ill remember your voice, your face and your laugh

and you just remember that its ok to look back

its ok to feel shame and start a new game

and if you love something let it go

if it doesnt return to you…

hunt it down and kill it

 

 

Daddy 

watch me shine

11 February 26, 2009

venice

NOW

please?

lets just fucking go

#10 w00t double digits February 25, 2009

its interesting the things we do without thought

like going to bed at a certain time even if your not tired

eating if your not hungry

waking up and starting coffee 

play music in the car

 

letting your eyes linger on something or someone that looks good

the way we go day to day just looking for little bits of rest, peace, happiness

but those days that we cant find them those things just seems so abnormal

its like what else is there?

why do i bother eating now? why do i sleep when theres things to be done?

 

my days tend to start off with me laying in bed weighing odds on wether i should stay in bed or get up

so i turn to the ipod fortune cookie and let it play what it thinks i should do

ill either continue reading what it was i hadnt finished before i fell asleep

or pick up mmy guitar and play awhile

then come downstairs, make coffee, turn on music on the computer and laugh if you want feed my neopet while i think about what needs to be done today

 

bad times are so very bad

but good times are just so very very good

you just want to linger in them both

 

thoughts are lovely and take us far so linger in those as well

“on the darkest days i wear my brightest clothes”

when i am the most weak i can take on anything

 

 

i feel very headstrong today

very confident

and i may have to cut this short because my water is getting ready to boil

 

basically

theres not enough hours in a day 

why are we still doing things the same way?

linger in the silent moments caught between the wind

 

thank God for the times you dont think you can go on

because you can

 

i know you got a little life in you yet

i know you have alot of strength left

i should be cryin but i just cant let it showw

 

yes

it will be a very interesting day

tell me 

tell me about your mornings

tell me about your nights

tell me  please i mean it tell me what happens to you today

it will effect the rest of your life

9 February 24, 2009

he has an effect on alot of what i say

occasionaly his words will be in my posts

 

fuck… i dont know i wish i was certain of something

i wish there was a deffinite point in the future that i knew that i knew that i knew would happen no matter what went on before that point

so all i had to do is work for it with everything in me and get there anyway i can

then maybe id know where to go from here

87 words so far… its funny im typing and reading the things around me on the screen

 

anyways

i just want to be certain of SOMETHING

im always feeling like im in the wrong place

like standing or sitting still too long i get fidgety and have to walk around

my minds saying “hurry up! get going! your gonna miss it!” or else “hurry get out or your gonna get hurt!”

so ill get uncomfortable and want to leave but i dont know where to go

feels like im nowhere near where im supposed to be but i have no fucking clue where to go from here

its like i want something anything … something extreme, something REAL, something that makes my heart burn passionatly like it tends to do when im dreaming

but i dont know what

or where it would be

or how i would go about finding it

 

i feel like im gonna be a part of something great one day

but i dont think its gonna happen while im sitting around here

and im scared if i dont hurry up and look around or do something about it

im gonna miss it…

 

and all i can wonder is if im strong enough or smart enough or creative enough to handle it

 

194 word count

i suppose i just need to be patient right now and focus on training myself creatively

which is what im doing

but sometimes the feeling of needing to GO is so strong i dont know what to do

i feel like i could run forever and never find what im lookin for

its a closing in feeling and i cant even tell you what i do when it happens because im so paralysed by it

i see all these people happy where they are or scared of where theyre going

but its just so simple

everything is just this one way

isnt there more?

WHY why are my passions so strong and my emotions so crippling if all im to do is find something and stay there till i die

do it the same way everyones always done it

it just doesnt make any sense

theres something bigger here but everyone seems to be ignoring it

 

 

i want adventure in the great wide somewhere

i want it more than i can tell

and for once it must be grand

to have someone understand…

i want so much  more than theyve got planned

blah … 8 February 18, 2009

babe you have no idea what im capable of

come to think of it neither do i

 

i have alot to say today

i dont believe in relationships… like i really dont i have lost all faith in them so i dunno this is rather different

stupid kid had to come like play me pretty songs and blow my mind

no i dont think you could say were in a relationship

we have a mutual tolerance of each other and feed off each others amazingness to better our music and writing

the end

bahaha

no but really

i dont think im going to college… not for awhile anyways … im gonna see what i can do first

so many years wasted… nothing has changed this country is just as split as it was in the begining.. why?

cause we all live our lives the same

come into life, screw up, learn the rules, decide wether to follow or break them, go to school for some odd years, screw up again, get outta college, clean up, find a hot “soulmate”, settle down, spawn, watch as they break your heart multiple times, retire, get put into a nursing home where they either forget about you or dread coming to see you

 

no my family is not like that weve done it rather differently but thats all i see out of everyone else

i dont understand it… its so easy… its so effortless… 

no wonder nothings changed!

so im off to find out what i can effect in this world

over the years ive grown and ive learned and what i know about myself is im good at killing people in simple rhymes, i know how to hide and i know how to make people want to listen to me

oh and im really good at loving people

 

so now all i want is to see and do as much as i can before my heart gives out

standing still is not an option

ive also developed this weird obsession of sid and nancy

well its just another small obsession to imitate for a short time before i find something else

i dunno

my mother thinks living the life i want will kill my dream

if that happens… ill just have another dream… all my life thats what ive known

when bad shit happens around me i dont notice it until someone points it out to me

cause im so lost in my own world that i just dont see it till it punches me in the face

im a dreamer… im just a storyteller man thats all i am

im also obsessed with bob dylan

but please i mean cmon

weve had so many bob dylans over the years

i mean theres only really ONE but so many that try and be him

i want to get out there and learn what my thing is.. what is it about me that can change peoples lives?

theres something… i can feel it

i wont be satisfied till ive left my ashes in every part of this world

 

see the thing is

i learn slower than most people… because i have to get my hands dirty to learn

and most people can learn from a book in a classroom

so college… while im interested in it… thats just four years of me sitting in a classroom havin trouble the whole time

the way i learn is by doing not reading

i like to reserve reading for stories and histories 

 

but anyways

i cant say what my plan is now but it will be made known soon enough i suppose

or i might just not say anything and leave letters for people

outside of my family

 

my family is fucking amazing

just… understanding and allowing me to do things my way

 

i know they dont entirely believe ill make it

but thing is

for me its not about making it… its about all the people i touch along the way… and well the stories of getting there

 

happiness is not at the end of the road

happiness is the road

 

 

my father did some pretty incredible things

i want to be like my father…

 

 

 

my favorite song right now…

if its the beaches- The Avett Brothers

 

Dont say its over

cause thats the worst news i could hear i swear that i will

do my best to be here just the way you like it

even though its hard to hide

push my feelings all aside

i will rearrange my plans and change for you

if i could go back

well thats the first thing i would do 

i swear that i would

do my best to follow through

come up with a master plan

a homerun hit, a winning stand

a gaurantee and not a promise

that ill never let your love slip from my hands

 

if its the beaches… if its the beaches sands you want then you will have them

if its the mountains bending rivers then you will have them

if its a wish to run away then i will grant it

take whatever you think of while i go gas up the truck

pack the old love letters up

we will read them when we forget why we left here…

 

7? January 22, 2009

wellll ive never had somebody throw a rock at my window
in the middle of the dark night
i never got a kiss in the rain
or had someone tell me id never feel pain

but
ive stood alone under the falling snow
ive known how it feels to have death your heels and
ive crawled through an open window
at the top of an empty building just to

see the sun twist with the smoke
and feel the danger of the next closed door….

yeahh
i know ive lived
but i
cant seem to forgive myself
and i dont know where to go from here
but oh my dear … as long your still by me
and i can make you giggle… im free

 

 

so ive been pretty miserable for a number of reasons

one of which was that i was so unhappy i was unable to write

but that time has passed

i have officially written two songs this month and am feeling better

i just dont have alot of confidence left

my self worth waved goodbye to me a long time ago

andrew keeps calling the snow a clean slate

and im trying to think it that way but it just seems like theres so little time left

 

ive always had problems with depression

well i dunno

its kind of a part of me so i dont think you can call it a “problem” because then 80 or 90 percent of me or my life would be a “problem”

but its just hit me really bad this time

 

its really nice to have people that love you though

without the people already close to me i dont know where id be right now

 

im just tryin to take it a day at a time… but some days i just want to ignore everything and find escape

cause thats the only thing i know im good at

 

when i hide

no one can find me

 

not if i dont want to be found

 

i must sound like some ungrateful angry little person

well i am an angry little person but ungrateful i am not

 

im just a dragon waiting to spread her wings and find her treasure in this world

 

 

 

feedbackplz

 

oh yeah um…

Adventure of the day: find a narrow trail with a dropoff on either side and try to drive your car onto it… good now after youve tried to reverse your way back out and have gotten yourself stuck in a ditch call your closest friends to come laugh at you and hang around for another hour or seven and freeze your ass off

 

ive found that broncos work best in this situation

18…? really? January 6, 2009

well its a new year

i think it will be pretty insane

ive had the most amazing week of my life in just the past week

so much happened in such a small span of time… but thats another story, another post, another day

 

basically ive got all this that made me so happy… but at the end of the day im so depressed i dont know what to do with myself and the thought of the next day  makes me want to sleep sleep sleep…

 

i want to write so badly i want to say or sing about the amazing things and the beautiful things and the broken things

but it just not happening

many would call it “writers block”

but it feels more like “never really could write before syndrome”

theres so much to say and so much to show and nothing to do with it

i have so much to learn but i feel like it will never come to me

of course… im only eighteen ive got a long way to go

but oh lord it feels like ive come farther than the footprints i can show

 

do i make sense?

 

i want so badly to be consumed by adventure

i try to find it in everything and i remember two years ago when i first dated Clif everytime i was sad or pretty much every other day id talk to him about adventure and making it happen

…then one thing led to another and were banned from each other for having an adventure at three in the morning

 

now here i am two years later hangin out with him again

creating all new adventures

and its just never enough

the last adventure always leaves me hungry for another

 

i dont know what to do with it…

 i want to find my dragon and fly away

im so insane… you must think badly of me

 

all of this good and im still so upset about the bad

and longing for freedome

 

its amazing how supportive my parents are

 

lets go to the  mountains… tonight… now

 

 

 

really dude?

not even a phone call??

number 5? December 21, 2008

i havent been sleeping

back in the day my best friend and i would sit up on the computer all night talking and drawing and gaming and whatever else

but back then it was like even if you didnt want to go to bed you still felt that sleep gravity

or I did… ha

now its like i can sit up all night and not feel the slightest bit tired

but if i cant sleep i pretty much cant feel anything else

i wish i could sit up and paint or make music or something but nothing has been coming out

its just bluh

sit, watch tv, game, wonder why the crap i cant sleep and if anyone else is up

and how much longer it will be before the sun comes up and i can go outside

 

i like being up early morning though

i can sit with my mom and watch the sun come up while she drinks her tea and i drink coffee that i waited for allllll niiiiight

its nice

 

 

but uh… i dont know i have become more afraid of people recently than  normal

theres good reason for it but i dont want to talk about it

 

crowds scare me

i dont like being in the middle of them

i can handle it and pretty much love it if they are on the other side of the counter or stage from me

really though

 

i just dont even want to talk anymore

just to the people ive known the longest that i really really trust

and i dont really want to go anywhere

except with those people

or college group

 

 

i dunno what to get the boy for christmas and its five days away

oh lord

 

 

oh darlin

stand by me

 

 

 

ugh 

i like pez

 

 

i turn 18 two weeks from sunday

yeah

holy crap

 

 

 

anyways

 

good night

good work

sleep well

at worst  i could kill you in the morning

Bullshit Kid- Kopek December 18, 2008

Yes yes yes I wanna live

but I dont wanna owe it to you

heard you were someone different these days

different time zone and cell phone and ring tone

did we lose site of what matters or have we just now figured it out?

well you look like your happy so you might as well kill me

oh but whos gonna call you on all of your bullshit now??

Somebody thought you were special once and maybe just maybe you were for awhile

but nobodys special forever honey

and were all lookin red like weve seen a few miles

yes yes yes weve been over this

three thousand times in my head

heard you was havin your baby this year

baby spiders baby adders and vipers

I loved you when we were both particals

now were just smiles and waves

well you look like your happy so you might as well kill me

wait hey you already did

oh but whos gonna call me on all of my bullshit kid??…

this part is no longer lyrics

i am very broken

i question every word i try to say

its funny when i stop wanting to speak

i start writing more

…im very broken

im waiting for more bad news

because it just doesnt feel like ive done my time yet

i am not an asshole

i know that

at least i know that